What are your thoughts about...? Examples: 1. What are your thoughts about this new policy they’ve rolled out? 2. What are your thoughts about the new intern? 3. What are your thoughts about the carpet in our living room?

"Hmm, I’m glad you spoke up about this because…" Examples: 1. Hmm, I’m glad you spoke up about this because it reveals the poor impression we must be making on quite a few people. You see, here’s what’s actually happening. 2. Hmm, I’m glad you spoke up about this because I’d feel terrible if you went on believing that was my motive and never knew differently. 3. Hmm, I’m glad you spoke up about this because I can finally see why we’ve had such different perspectives all this time. Why it works: "The Criticism Converter" frames an adversary as a helpful friend. It frames criticism as an opportunity. Saying, “Hmm” indicates you are taking a moment to actually think about what they’ve said while appreciating the perspective. Saying you’re glad they spoke up about their perspective is a form of validation. So it makes it easier for them to swallow the corrected perception you’re about to give them once you explain all the facts. It does all that while putting you in control of the conversation. Beginning in a friendly way is always better than being defensive. People mostly just want to be heard. Once they know they’ve been heard, they are more open to receiving corrective explanations about what’s going on. Carnegie Principle: Begin in a friendly way.

"It's nice to know we can count on you..." Examples: "It's nice to know we can count on you when problems like this come up." "It's nice to know we can count on you to keep our customers happy." "It's nice to know we can count on you to generate good ideas." Why it works: Making people feel important is one of the easiest ways to make them like you. When you imply that they already have your trust, it makes them want to live up to your expectations. This phrase is designed to make people feel important while simultaneously linking that good feeling to the relationship they have with you. The military gives out medals to recognize valor, effort, and committment. It's a compliment that says, "You matter to your nation." And it solidifies a culture that will continue to pursue any ideal for which medals are awarded. Use the "medal of Honor" phrase to make people feel important, needed, and recognized. Carnegie Principle: Make the other person feel imporant - and do it sincerely.

"If you accepted the challenge, ..." Examples: 1. Jeff, if you accepted the challenge, do you think you could [achieve desired goal] by [difficult but possible goal date]? 2. Jeff, if you accepted the challenge, do you think you could top your record sales month from last year? 3. Team, if we accepted the challenge, do you think we could roll this out before the weekend? Why it works: The "Mission Impossible" phrase is designed to take mundane request for effort and transform it into a challenge. That challenge activates the listener's desire to succeed and prove their worth and abilities. Presenting a challenge triggers natural motivation regardless of extrinsic reward. Frame the goal as a game he or she could win. A challenge motivates people more than money. Carnegie Principle: Throw down a challenge.

"I'm interested. Tell me how..." Examples Mary, I'm interested. Tell me how your commute to work typically unfolds. Mary, I'm interested. Tell me how the Receiving Department knows where things need to go. Mary, I'm interested. Tell me how you decided on a hybrid vehicle. Why it works: The "Fire Hydrant" unleashes a torrent of information and natural conversation. It works because "how" questions naturally evoke a story of progression. How qustions also make follow up questions seem perfectly natural. "Tell me how" questions provide a unique advantage by providing a foundational topic from which further dialogue springs naturally. It makes it easy and natural to explore a topic together without the typical awkward silence that results from most questions people ask during small talk. Use a "Fire Hydrant" question any time you want to avoid dead silence or move a conversation out of the stagnant waters of small-talk. create a seamless transition from a statement of interest into an invitation for someone to talk about themselves. It's an open-ended question that leads to a casual response as they explore their own history or thinking with you as an interested listener. Carnegie Principle: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

You make me feel… Examples: 1. Lisa, in case I've never mentioned it before, when I see the way you handle angry customers, you make me feel smart for hiring you. 2. When you help me clean the house, you make me feel happy to have a partner to share life with. 3. When you back me up in meetings, you make me feel very grateful to have someone like you to work with. Why it works: Most people thank others by starting with a phrase like, “Thank you for…” That focuses the mind on the person’s actions rather than their relationship with you. You can do better than this by focusing their mind on how their actions made you feel. This phrase is designed to reinforce the listener’s desire to please you even more in the future. It focuses on your emotional response to their actions. Their actions happen in the outside world. But you point to the emotional impact that happens on the inside. Typically, when we say we "appreciate it," the "it" means some external thing. But this phrase highlights the internal emotional impact of their external action (outside in). From the outside action to the inside impact. Carnegie Principle: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you…" Examples: 1. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, it’s that you’re willing to be fair and listen to the perspectives of others, so I know you’ll seriously consider what I’m about to say. 2. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, it’s that you’re a man of your word. So I’m confident that if I do my part to correctly explain this situation you’ll work with me to get this bill paid. 3. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you, it’s that you are fiercely dedicated to being a good mother. So I’d like you to take the time to consider the benefits of spending a little bit of money on this. Why it works: the "Foot In The Door" phrase offers a compliment to get your foot in the door, so to speak. Your listener doesn't want to deny the positive attribute you just imparted, which makes it hard for them to slam the door in your face and stop listening. What comes next is an implication, something you "know" they will do since they have the positive trait you already pointed out. This phrase is also designed to give you the moral high ground. Negotiation experts have discovered it’s difficult to disagree with someone when they have taken up a position that is defensible based on moral correctness. But it’s even better if you can simultaneously give someone a reputation to live up to. You gain a person's compliance by complimenting them. Your compliment gets your foot in the door. Carnegie Principle: Appeal to nobler motives.

"You make a good point,...and I’d like to understand it more completely." Examples: 1. You make a good point, and I’d like to understand it more completely. Let's figure out why we're seeing this differently. 2. You make a good point, and I’d like to understand it more completely. Let me see if I can restate it accurately. 3. You make a good point, and I’d like to understand it more completely. What are the factors you're taking into consideration? Why it works: Once people get angry, no one really wins an argument. People become more invested in winning the argument than finding common ground. So your job is to frame the discussion as a team effort to explore differing points of view. This creates opportunities for amicable resolution. The "Concession Headlock" is about taking control. It feels like you are conceding, but you are really putting them in a headlock so you can steer the conversation where you want. In this case, that means stearing them back to talking it out and feeling understood. Once they feel "heard," they are far more open to the new perspective you may wish to empart on them. You've successfully avoided an argument. Carnegie principal: The only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

"I was completely wrong before. Here's what I've discovered." Examples: 1. I was completely wrong before. Here's what I've discovered. There is a printer that could have saved us even more money just as Lisa predicted. 2. I was completely wrong before. Here's what I've discovered. Jerry had a legitimate excuse for missing work yesterday. 3. I was completely wrong before. Here's what I've discovered. The closet space was not included in my original calculation.