My husband had a baby with another woman
Dear Loveawake: I am in a horrible situation. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker and they have a 10 month old baby. He finally told me about a month ago. He said he never wanted to leave me, but didn't know what to do about this baby he has with this other woman. He has been paying her support for the child. He said they didn't have a "relationship" it was just sex (twice he says). She also says there was no relationship, but I have the feeling she wanted and still wants one with him. We have started counseling to see if we can save our marriage. The other women is still calling all the time. She says she only needs to talk to him about the baby. I think this is a lie because she calls several times a day. I don't know what to do. He says he is going to put a stop to it. But when already. Thanks for any help Cindy
Dear Cindy: This woman is the mother of your husband's baby and the sooner you accept that she will be in your life forever (or as long as you stayed married to this man), the better off you'll be and the sooner you can put together a plan to make this work. Your husband has betrayed his marriage vows and has been living a double life for quite a long time.
The last thing this baby needs is a dead beat dad who abandons his responsibility both financially or emotionally. There are already too many mothers who have to shoulder all the responsibilities because the fathers have chosen to turn their backs on their children. This baby didn't ask to be brought into this world but since he's here, (you didn't give the gender of the baby so I will use "he") he deserves to have a father who participates in his life. We can continually change partners and have many husband's and wives, but we can only have one mother and one father.
No matter what the explanation this child gets, somewhere deep down, he will feel hurt and abandoned and want to know, "How come my daddy doesn't want to be with me." No amount of child support can take that pain and emptiness away as he gets older. My concern is for this child and and how important it is to have his father involved in his life.
So, if you truly intend to stay married to this man, this is now more than just "his" problem but yours as well. It is no longer just him taking care of this problem, but both of you dealing with the consequences of his actions. Whenever one person in a relationship experiences any unwanted event, like a disease, the death of a loved one or loss of a job, it always affects them as a couple. Whether it's a decision on the type of treatment to get, selling possessions or simplifying one's life, since it affects the couple's future, it is important to discuss and solve it together. Healing is easier when it is part of a combined effort When I was diagnosed with breast cancer many years ago, I used to say that "we" were going through it because I recognized that my husband was suffering just as much as I was. All of my decisions regarding my treatment were agreed upon together.
Without your involvement and support, your husband won't be able to do the loving and right thing for his child.
As for your husband, he did not have a one-night stand with this woman. My guess is that he had an ongoing emotional connection before he ever had an intimate connection. My suggestion is for you to request a meeting for the three of you. If your husband really wants to make your marriage work, he'll agree that this needs to be discussed rationally, intelligently and openly. It's important for this other woman to see you as a couple and your willingness to include this baby in you life as well. This way, if there was any false hope on her end, it will very clear that he has every intention of staying married. Then you must get legal councel so that everyone's rights are protected- Loveawake
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